I have never understood fantasy baseball. In fact I really don’t even know what fantasy baseball is. I have so little interest in fantasy baseball that I have never even bothered to google it to find out what it is. People occasionally ask me if I play fantasy baseball but I quickly demur at the suggestion, lest they invite me to join a fantasy baseball league. My concept of fantasy baseball is that is a refuge for grown men who were never good at sports when they were kids and who, as a result, are somewhat insecure about their maleness.

When I was a kid the equivalent of fantasy baseball was Strat-O-Matic. But I never knew anyone who played Strat-O-Matic. None of the kids I hung out with showed any interest and I have only a vague recollection of what a Strat-O-Matic card looked like ( something like a Milbourne card if I recall) . If one somehow found its way into your collection, you just threw it out. Unless it was Willie Mays or Mickey Mantle. And even then it didn’t warrant a rubber-band but just sat in the bottom of your shoe-box under your Topps cards. Needless to say, Strat-O-Matic was just for kids. Fantasy baseball, for some reason, has an especial lure for adults. I have no idea why.

People who play fantasy baseball seem to fall into two categories:

1.) The guy you sit next to at the ballpark who keeps score, listens to the game on a headset and wears a replica jersey. He doesn’t talk much during the game, shells a lot of peanuts while keeping score and usually brings a PBJ in wax paper from home. A beer ? Out of the question. He works at a printing company or a Copy Mat and derives great pleasure from discussing fantasy baseball with his co-workers or other initiates to this banal game. He never marries.

2.)The hyper-social male whose frenzied social networking masks a deeply seated insecurity among large groups. He is always schmoozing, patting people on the back, desperately trying to give people the impression that he “belongs.” He plays in a fantasy baseball league and wears this fact as a badge of honor. He is also known as a jerk.

Fantasy baseball: just another reason why baseball was better when I was a kid.